Stop the abuse

I heard it again recently. “That’s just how things were” when discussing abuse of children. Like it was okay because they didn’t know any better. Who the hell are they talking about? Is there sexual abuse in every family? I have a hard time believing that. The idea that it was done in the past and hasn’t hurt anyone so it’s not that big a deal is preposterous.

In whose world is it all right to take the innocence from young children for a perverted adult’s pleasure? Where is it written that because you are a child you are required to provide sexual pleasure to those who God entrusted to love you and care for you?

Sometimes I feel as if I’m living in a science fiction porno drama filled movie. The idea that no one is harmed when small children are used as property is heart breaking.

Move on, forgive and forget yada yada yada. For many that is how to survive. I have forgiven, but I will never forget. It’s when people choose to forget that the cycle continues. Just because I talk about what happened doesn’t mean it is controlling my life. My fear is that if it isn’t discussed, it will continue.

That must be what has happened over the years if people truly believe “that’s just how it was”. It happened, you forget it, you move on.

Guess what it happened, you never forget it, you move on and somewhere, somehow it will haunt you and future generations as long as people go through life moving on as if nothing happened. After all, it was instrumental in making you the individual you are today.

Before the memories of abuse came back to me, I was very nice. Extremely nice, always trying to please everyone, never wanting anyone to not like me. I was submissive and depressed, very depressed.

At first when I remembered, I was so very angry, at times hysterical, close to suicide. I then wanted to talk about it, maybe to figure out why it happened, why I didn’t remember, why I was feeling so guilty, but no one wanted to listen.

Someone very close to me told me one day “I don’t like this new Cathy”. I was finally thinking about me instead of others all the time. Not that I still didn’t care about others, I always have and always will but I had a great need to find out what happened, why I was the person I was, why I was always hurting inside.

This caring individual was more like the “Queen of denial”, if you don’t think about it; it never happened kind of person. She was the one I called when the memories surfaced. She was the one I needed and she tried so hard to be there. For a long time she tried, but then the familiar, just forget it and move on.

Don’t let them control you, she reminded me again recently of that. Like I don’t know, like I can’t figure it out that if I never thought about the abuse I could almost pretend it never happened but it doesn’t work that way unfortunately.

I don’t dwell on it, many days I don’t even think about it. However, when I hear someone say, “That’s just how things were” or when discussing domestic abuse, “she must be getting something out of it or why would she stay”, I get livid. That mentality is what continues the awful cycle of abuse, whether it is domestic, sexual, psychological or physical.

At one point in time, a co-worker and I were talking. I shared her with her what had happened to me and her response was, “I’m sorry that happened to you”. And she listened. That’s all. How I needed that. Thank you Jacki for that, I’ll never forget it.

Abuse comes in many forms and until society figures out that ABUSE OF ANY KIND IS WRONG, SHOULD NOT BE TOLERATED, there will be those who say, “That’s just how it was”.

My usual answer is “we used to travel by horse and buggy, but found a better way and we changed how we travel”; the same is true of how humans should treat others. There is a better way. If you choose to believe it's okay because that’s how it’s been then give up your car, indoor plumbing, designer clothing or clothing at all for that matter. Give up your house, your RV, your boat and go back to living how it used to be.

See if that makes you change your opinion.

Another day, another blog … just had to be said

Next one will be more uplifting, I promise….

Lesson for today ….

Sometimes listening and saying “I’m sorry that happened to you”, is all that’s required. And a hug always helps!

(to clarify, those who abused this author were no relation to her)

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Happy Birthday Ang

Thirty-six years ago was one of the best years of my life. One reason only, my first child was born.

I'm not sure the excitement of being a first time mom can be put into words. It's like no feeling in the world when that baby is placed in your arms for the first time. Everything else is reduced to nothing.

First excitement then exhaustion. You laugh, you cry, you smile, you finally breathe normally.

Angie was indeed a beautiful baby. I know, you're thinking oh all first time mothers think that, but she really was a beauty. Perfect round face, 8 lbs 5 oz, 19 inches long, just a little butterball. She's still short but the baby fat has definately disappeared. She's now 5'4" (she says anyway) and there's not an ounce of fat on her. She is a personal trainer in addition to a day care provider.

Her website is listed on the left hand side of this site in case anyone is interested in some excellent fitness tips and help with gettng in shape. She has helped many accomplish their goals. There are pictures of before and after on her site and they are amazing.

She has also been an inspiration to many young people through the years. I think the first children she provided a loving environment for are probably in high school. That was in Aberdeen, SD. She nows provides the same environment for young children in Colorado.

I have observed her role as day care provider and it is amazing what she accomplishes. She is organized beyond belief (unlike her mother I'm afraid), she accomplishes so much in a single day and provides so much love to the children she watches (I'll take a little bit of credit for her day care accomplishments because if I hadn't provided her with all those younger sisters and brothers she wouldn't have gotten so much experience which I'm sure made her want to go into that field right??) and incentive to the adults she trains.

In addition she designs websites and was the one who encouraged me to start this blog.

I am so very proud of her. From the very first time I held her in my arms to this day she has made me laugh. There were times she made me cry also, don't all kids?? She has always believed I could accomplish more than I ever thought I could and continues to encourage me daily.

For this Angie, I want to thank you. I also want you to know that I have loved you and still feel that sense of excitement each and every time you reach another of your goals.

So thank you Ang for everything you have provided in my life.

Your smile...
Your support...
Your love...
Your babysitting your siblings... (most of the time)
Your loving nature...
Your encouragement...
Your house cleaning... (boy my house would have been a disaster without her)
Your always being there for all of us...

Know that you are loved so very much...
Know that you have a support system here... (and in Watertown, Bruce, Brookings, White and Wodbury)
Know that we miss you every day...
Know that I thank God for September 5, 1972 often, how that day changed my life...

Hope I haven't embarassed you, but if I did, you are the one who started me writing this thing.

Thought for the day .... Appreciate family, they are the most important things you will ever have. Remember the good things, forget the not so good.

PS to the rest of my children ... you will get your turn, I promise.

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Ramblings - football weather

It's getting chilly tonight. This is the weather I like, warm and toasty during the day and cooler in the evening. I always call it football weather. Probably because for many years my Friday evenings were spent at the local football field watching the males in the family play football and the females cheer them on. And the weather was just like this.

I remember the first Friday after my youngest flew the coop. I was in Aberdeen and stopped to get a coffee on the way home. Sounds of the crowd at the football field drifted across the road as the band started playing the "Star Spangled Banner". My immediate thought was "Oh no, I'm missing the game". It's funny how that gut reaction took hold and the years of conditioning burst forth as I realized I didn't have to go to the game!!!

Eventually the anxiety of not attending the many school events stopped. I still look forward to this time of year and the sights and sounds of fall.

Now I'm excited to hear about my grandchildren's school experiences. The cycle may very well repeat itself as my grandchildren are growing way too fast. My goal is to be in a place in my life that I am able to again attend activities my grandchildren choose to be involved in when that time comes.

I'm trying to spend my time constructively while I'm living in the "North Woods". It's very pretty here. I look out my window at the oak, pine and birch trees. They provide a beautiful background and hopefully will inspire my writing.

The trees are starting to turn. The sky is so blue. The stars number in the millions. The sunsets over the lake are gorgeous. The drive to and from work is certainly made more pleasant by the sights. Kind of takes my mind off the amount of gas spent getting from one place to the other around here.

Anyway, I just thought I should ramble on a bit because I haven't written in a while.

Better go, as I do have some serious writing to do for my class and have been avoiding it. I do have a lot to accomplish in the next couple months so you should be hearing from me more often as that is one of my goals.

Have a great week.

Katies Tonic .....

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